Staying here on /3dcg/ is probably fine, the only other option I can think of is moving to /dis/. Or you can send me an email by clicking my nickname on this comment. At least in my creative process I would often be showing my progress to one or two people by email, having feedback asked from them personally incentivizes them to actually provide some, as opposed to just asking the general audience in a public place like here, and also saves you from spoiling all of that progress to that general audience. Also makes it feel a little bit more like a joint progress, by which giving additional motivation to keep working on it. At least that's my experience.

I'd love to give some suggestions, but first I'd want to hear more about your existing ideas for the game (and this is where email would be handy not to spoil it all to everyone) so that I know in which direction I should think with my suggestions.

As for the new demo, the customization for names was nice, but then just a line or two after that it calls the daughter Lily anyway :-) Another thing I noticed is how there's a sound effect from blowing the candle, but it's on it's own empty line before the *blow* line. I think there should be no empty line and the sound should play simultaneously with the *blow* text. Alternatively remove the text entirely. It doesn't make sense for the text to tell he's blowing after he's finished doing it.
Also, the camera angles, the characters are shot from a normal angle but then the rooms are from up down. In most cases it didn't stand out too much, but in the dining room where the daughter is treating her dad to a cake it looks as if she's standing on the table. I think it would fit better if you put her sprite on the right side of the screen here so that it would look like she's standing beside the table to the right where there's actually space in the scene.
Little to comment on the story as there's not much of it yet. As I said, I'd like to hear more about your plans for the story before I know what I can suggest about it.
Then, the writing, it looks like it consists pretty much of just dialogue? I don't have a lot of experience with VNs, but from what I have they usually have much more text describing actions, environment, the protagonist's thoughts and feelings. Most of the time I find the VN be extensively wordy, but there surely have to be a balance between that and leaving only dialogue. Can't exactly claim though that I myself have mastered such a balance. Still, something to consider.

P.S. Another reason to switch to email: gurochan keeps telling me "Your post could not be submitted due to the contents of your post or your IP adress being listed @ spam.kolyma.org". Tried everything, let's see if this attempt will finally go through...