Ok, I feel a little awkward asking for help and describing my problem because most of you seem to get along with your sexual orientation and are at relative peace with it.
Also my english skills are not top notch(I'm german) so please cope with me.
Let's cut right to it. I'm not good at telling stories.
I love fapping to this stuff. Cute, sexy and innocent girls being slaugthered like dirty animals, tortured with no regret, snuffed, mutilated all the good stuff. I don't have to explain it to you.
Ironically, this is also what hurts me the most. Their despair, the cruelty, insensitivity of the offender and all that injustice. It feels so fundamentally wrong yet this is the exact reason why it gets me off so good.
It doesn't matter btw whether it's "just a drawing" and "not reality" as some people say. Art causes emotion. It's why we consume it I guess.
Even now just thinking about it I'm trembling. Those thoughts translate to physical pain sometimes when they're really strong. Reading your thoughts and how you feel about ryona/snuff/guro/etc. on this board for example is enough to trigger extreme arousal mixed with equally strong disgust.
Then there's hate. Hate for you and maybe myself. No offense. I really like you guys and how we share this fetish, but I can't control how I feel. Sometimes, when I'm done fapping I go full crawling mode and just wish you and every person on the planet with similar sexual interests was dead.
I know this is not the way though. I want to be loving, kind and understanding. It's this contradiction you know? And you all manage to accept who you are and what you like so casually.

Have you experienced this? What do you think? How can I cope with it? Do I need therapy?
Maybe talking to people like you irl would help? Do you have any idea how to meet them?

Thank you. This has been haunting me for years. And please don't be offended. I don't mean to do that at all.