i'm not sure where else i could possibly ask about this without feeling like everyone who sees this will think i'm insane, ha.

do any of you guys feel like you use guro to help cope with self hatred, or self harm? i've tried to research a connection between low self esteem and gore fantasies, but i couldn't find anything.

i'm a 17 year old girl and ever since i was in 7th grade, i've fantasized about being brutally murdered and raped as a means to deal with my mental health. (being beheaded, stabbed, burned alive, etc.) i think i do this because i see myself as someone who should be punished, who deserves to be hurt in the worst possible ways. guro actually isn't sexual for me, but rather just a sort of self medication that helps me repress my self harming desires, as my parents don't believe in psychiatry and the use of medication for mental health.

tl;dr do you think you like gore because of self hatred, or is there something seriously wrong with me?