I've been struggling with finding friends/partners in my local bdsm scene. I fear my kinks are too extreme for most. even showing up to meet ups i get scared to participate due to extensive self harm scarring/wounds. But i can't get off without it anymore.
Outside of that, since I'm into simulated snuff/autoassassinophilia, i fear choosing the wrong partner and actually being killed. which is… hot but also inconvenient for the things i want outside of sex. I've had several romantic relationships, but they've all been way more vanilla than me. If i bring up the harder stuff they end up disgusted and i don't bring it up again. Not even gore/blood stuff, just like incest or impact or cnc (which i feel is more or less normalized currently)
I have like three friends irl and none are close. Sometimes folks hit on me so i know I'm not completely disgusting to look at. but i shut them down, just knowing dating in the vanilla sphere is a lost cause.
I crave these close relationships everyone else seems to have but i just feel it's impossible for me at this point. I want all the soft stuff too. Cuddling and intimacy and all that. But that requires a level of intimacy that when I've tried to show it, it's put away in a box. I don't know, I'm just venting. But i feel like tar being asked to behave like water. it just doesn't work.
anyone else feel like this?