op here! thank you all for your thoughts!

there have been times i have thought about telling some of my friends about my thoughts for emotional support, but i've backed out of it due to fear of what they would think. but i doubt i could talk to my parents about this, so i'll just have to take a deep breath and get over my paranoia - i know none of my friends would start to hate me if i told them.

the point about suicide did remind me of something, though. when i was younger (around 5th grade i think) i started thinking about suicide a lot, though i never attempted it. (i have to admit, i was a bit edgy then.) i do think most of what around that time shaped my low self esteem and self hatred. i guess at some point i decided that thinking about others hurting me is better than me hurting myself? who knows.

and don't worry, i have a very low pain tolerance, and am a little weak-willed, so i would never go through with my gore fantasies lol.