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2017/11/28
(Tue)
02:27:48
No.
6417
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Sure. My childhood trauma list is as follows:
-Grew up in domestically violent house (unsure if witnessed mom being hit)
-Watched sister be choked until she nearly passed out
-Constant belittling and shaming from dad (about normal stuff like crying as a five-year-old)
-Threatened with beating and death by dad
-Abandonment by primary caretaker at age 10 (dad left post-divorce and immediately lost interest)
-Overheard mom getting beaten and raped and parents physically fighting and screaming
-Chronically ill mom telling me she was going to die all the time and forcing me to caretake and see scary shit from age 10 onwards
-Mom saying frequently I'd be happy if she was dead or wished her dead because I was selfish etc
-Constantly told by mom that my normal needs (school clothes, food, etc) were ruining her health and a huge sacrifice
-Received inappropriate information like her fucking her boyfriend as a reward for his help around the house, how she felt while having sex, that she thought about her kids while having sex
-Touched in awkward, bordering-on-sexual ways, had her try to kiss me on the lips and have me sleep in bed with her even up to age 20, despite constantly saying I didn't like it or feel comfortable
-Allowed to date a guy 11 years my senior and go spend overnights from age 11-17
-Refused to let me see a therapist for several years despite everything that happened during childhood
-All my belongings searched, read, and felt over by mom, including locked-away sex toys and diaries
-Demanded I put tracking app on my phone at age 22 so she knows where I am. Calls me every time it goes down, even at 2am.
-Threatens to call the police when I'm an hour later answering calls
-Only response to hearing that my boyfriend is beating me: "That's too bad."
-When I move home to flee the situation, lectures me about being rude to battering ex by not answering his calls
~And much, much more~
Honestly, though, I don't think this has much to do with my wimpy intestine fetish or whatever. I think that's some other kind of accidental childhood programming. It definitely has something to do with being borderline, with choosing abusive partners, with being sexually submissive and a masochist, and with masturbating from a ridiculously early age (had to calm down somehow). Potentially with being trans, but I've been happily transitioned for 8-12 years, so clearly that's not going anywhere.
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