Thanks again Raven, I'm grateful for both the help, and for knowing I'm not alone in liking this stuff.

As a writer I find it invaluable to have real info to work from. I like to learn everything I can about a project before I dive in, it gives me a framework to then create my own ideas and build up cohesive world and story. So knowing all of this helps enormously, even though what I'll eventually write is 100% fantasy.

That, and exploring this side of myself has been fun. The more I explore, the more I think I'm motivated by feeling powerless. Most guro either doesn't effect me or makes feel sick, and yet thinking about asphyxia, about fading out or laying dead and helpless while my killer fucks me... makes me feel both an excited chill, and a growing warmth...

The really odd, or maybe really comforting this is that I only feel excited by the fantasy of it. Thinking about dying for real, even like this, just makes me feel unwell and afraid. A psychologist would probably have a name for it, but I think I may just be a BDSM girl who likes imagining going a step further.