>>6302
Do you mind if I ask for a description of what "wanting to die as far back as you can remember" entails?

The statement also applies to me, and I'd love to know if we're similar or not.

For me, as long as I can remember I've inserted myself into fictional death scenes as the victim (I later expanded to ideas/fantasies of death in general). It's never been sexual, but I do get a kind of 'rush' from it. I also think it may have been an early marker of being trans, since the characters have to be male (ftm here).