alright, now that I'm not in the midst of a panic attack and spouting stupid nonsense, let's break down what you're saying

>I kinda feel bad for people who die but well I hate police and society more than I love those strangers who died.


This is just basic depressed narcissism. There's more to you than that of course, you're not that simple, but it's in the mix. Deal with your miserable narcissism and you'll also deal with the pain that drives you to these urges. Narcissism is pain, it lives in the amygdala. It shows up there in brain scans.

I wrote a bunch more but no one wants to read a bunch more, and the bottom line is narcissism. All the other ideas are secondary.