I've been attracted to "sexualized violence" (think "ryona"-like content, not "guro" very specifically) since puberty, in addition to "regular" sexy stuff. For context, I'm barely under 30 now. So, it's been a while.

I think what fueled this in the first place – why I was "into it" at all – is that I was a very socially awkward, reserved, timid kid, quite possibly mildly on the "high-functioning autistic" side of the spectrum if I am to self-diagnose. You know the type – too book-smart for his own good, likely to get bullied (extremely fortunately for me, the bullies had some other, more interesting targets than me), and a late bloomer in terms of puberty. All of this summed up, while other teenage kids were getting their first intimate experiences with each other, I didn't have any – but I did have a fairly rich fantasy / daydreaming abilities. I have some schizoid traits (as independently confirmed by a medical professional, not just my conclusion), so various "sublimation" through fantasy instead of chasing "the real thing" was rather easy for me.

To be frank, I think this is how most of the "weird" or "unhealthy" fetishes often arise in people. Let's be real for a moment: even if enough of us here are relatively well-adjusted in life, it's not exactly "right" for a person to be into guro or other stuff like that. The root cause is most often something going wrong in your formative years, be it some outright psychological trauma or other deviations from regular development of healthy sexuality, and I think this includes the lack of first-hand experience with sexy stuff and intimacy, such as in my case. Even though I never actually straight up "suffered" from "never having been kissed" at that time – like I wrote above, I was this mildly schizoid kid who was honestly fine with fantasies – still, I have little doubt that it did influence me finding various "unorthodox" stuff sexually arousing, such as violence.

Then again, I vaguely remember that I had some "fantasies" (not of explicitly sexual kind, yet) of mildly violent nature even before puberty hit. Like, even at age 11 or so, I would come up with some imaginary sports game for teams of boys and girls, roughly based on water polo, which had some episodes of rough play. There was no "guro" there or anything, but I would imagine how this stuff would look and "enjoyed" writing down some (most probably very shitty) descriptions of that, and then rip and burn those sheets of paper so that the parents wouldn't discover it – I had this hunch that they wouldn't like it. Looking back, of course these were already "sexualized" fantasies, although for the then-pre-puberty me, they were "fun" to think about but I didn't quite understand why it was so. So in addition to my previous paragraph above, I'm sure that the "real" reason of why I turned specifically to sexy violence when I hit puberty – instead of, say, foot fetish or inflation fetish or whatever else – was because the seeds had already been planted in my mind. Maybe I watched one violent action movie too many when I had been a young kid. Maybe the sexy death screams of some videogame character had been the true first seed. Maybe a vivid description of some injury scene in some adventure book that was technically meant for young adults.

Let's jump forward in time back to me being uh... 16 or so? That was in the late 00s. I don't recall every little detail about that time, but I remember writing some really crappy stories with sexy / violent misadventures of female characters, in my native language. I never posted them anywhere, I just enjoyed writing them. I don't have my old files from that time anymore and that's probably for the best because I'd die from cringe if I were to re-read them. I remember that they were basically "ryona", even if I didn't know the word at that time. Think of some very shitty B-movie bordering on porn, with tits and violence and a really poor script that feels like it was written by a kid (because it was) – those stories were more or less like this.

I think roughly around that time I started looking for related stuff on the Internet, especially since we finally installed a high speed Internet connection at home at that time. I think one of the first "very specific" fetishes (as opposed to the broad idea of "I like violence") that I formed was cuntbusting / pussy pain. I vaguely remember saving some Youtube videos with "low blow matches" made in one of those wrestling videogames. The wrestling aspect never stuck for me – I did and still do find the whole wrestling scene (both the "real" one and the "fetish" one) way too theatrical for my liking – but pussy pain is still one of the favorite violent kinks of mine. I'm not even remotely as "fixed" on it as I was back then, but I still find female low blows (and stabs, and shots...) hot.

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