This is different from my experience but still relatable. I myself am a transgender man. I knew I wasn't a girl from a young age, it wasn't a slow discovery, but I think my dysphoria, insecurity, and the lack of power I felt were all contributing factors to the formation of my paraphilic urges. I needed control. I connected violence with masculinity (my father was abusive, that's probably why). I didn't think anyone would ever want me, that the women I desired would see me as a woman. I wanted them to belong to me like toys.

I was always very careful about suppressing my desires in real life. I wanted to avoid ever finding community with people like me because I knew I would start to want to torture, kill, and rape women in real life. There was a chance I would succumb to it. I'm 23. I fell in love with a trans woman who wanted me to kill her because she felt so hopeless in life, and she was the first real person I allowed myself to think about like that. I would fantasize about killing her, it was the most erotically satisfying guilty pleasure. It's a constant inner battle not to compromise my morals because my relationship is hopeless and I'd rather kill her and have that power than stand by while she kills herself.

In all my years of lurking on GuroChan this is the first time I've replied to someone. Because I really don't want to find people like me, I don't want to be enabled, I don't want to do anything I can't take back. I've lurked on websites for harmful paraphilias I don't have before (pedo/zoophile forums) and I've seen how they'll bend over backwards to justify and encourage each other to act on things that should never be acted on.

I feel you, in many ways. Ignore the misgendering comments and the misinterpretations. Being trans in a world like this is traumatic, and trauma can manifest in your relationship with sex. It's not that being trans is a mental illness that's correlated with violence, but rather that the impact of transphobia can give you undesirable traits. That's a difficult thing for all minorities to grapple with. Sometimes you're not a 'good' victim, sometimes you're not a 'good' example of your community. Just survive and exercise compassion.