and here i thought i was the only one. i had fantasies like this going for literal years, pretty much my entire adolescence. because i struggled with belief for a long time, the idea of someone trying to “beat the faith back into me” was a huge fantasy. it felt like a caring sort of sadism, in a way; the assailant would be hurting me, but it’d be for the good of my own soul. and even as i’ve leaned more heavily into sadism as opposed to masochism, i still find parts of the fantasy appealing.

i don’t have any good psychoanalysis, sadly, but i wanted to share my own experience.