when i was young, i saw a few episodes of 1000 ways to die. and i was still at an age where, even though i knew cognitively that live-action shows weren’t always real, it still felt very “real” to me. i’d never seen anything even remotely violent on tv beforehand (via a combo of parental sheltering and normally only watching cartoons) and it had me both horrified and unable to look away. it was an intensity of feeling that i’d never experienced from anything before, ever. it wasn’t entirely fear. it wasn’t entirely disgust. it was just, well, feeling, and though i was never able to watch that show again (and had no idea what it even was for years), i’d often replay the deaths in my head and feel that same stomach-twisting, chest-tightening sensation.

later, as i got closer to puberty, i had this entire thing where i’d get egregiously flustered and embarrassed over death scenes in movies. like, i’d actually get up and leave the room if one happened. and i’d get similar feelings from scenes where characters cried, got hurt, were scared, etc. it’s almost as though there was something instinctual that told me my feelings were supposed to be kept secret, the same way any normal person would get shy about romance and sex at that age.

honestly, i believe that all of this is naturally wired into me. i can’t imagine any version of my life where i don’t discover these feelings, don’t identify them as sexual. it’s just who i am.