I am a chubby disabled girl, I walk with a cane sometimes because of my bad hip and back. I can go out without it and often do when I probably shouldn’t because I am so fragile mentally and I’m scared of someone calling me a faker- I’ve been overweight since I was little, alongside also hating any sort of exercise. I wasn’t diagnosed with hip dysplasia or scoliosis until I was an adult, and all throughout my childhood I was horrendously taunted by my dad and other kids about how fat and lazy I was. I definitely developed a whole thing with that, taking too long in going to the doctor because it’s probably fine and it’s just cuz I’m fat and lazy; when really, it’s hard to be in shape and moving around when my hip bones scrape against each other whenever I fucking walk. My dad was always an asshole, he had NPD and I grew up with him calling fat, lazy, stupid, useless. I was also raised in a strict evangelical household, I was told by my dad that women were inherently dumber and lazier than men, the wage gap exists because women just don’t work as hard. I was told this was by Gods design, because women are supposed to be submissive to men, and it’s so we know our place in society better and can follow orders, be easier to control. I was happy at thought to be a pillar of support for a man, as that’s why God made women; our husbands can lean on us in times of crisis, we were made to keep men company.
You probably would have figured it out, but I don’t believe any of that shit but it sure did fuck me up hard in such a horrendously life ruining way that I constantly find myself breaking my own boundaries for male attention because my brain is still unfortunately wired to believe that’s my purpose. I’ve been abused a LOT by the opposite sex throughout my life, my mom (she was a good woman and I love her, she was just deeply depressed and lost in life) would teach me that any level of anger or retaliation or resentment of ANY kind, especially as a woman, makes you a bad person. She was also horrendously abused but she’d tell me about how it wasn’t a big deal that her high school bf raped her because English wasn’t his first language so he “didn’t know any better” and that it wasn’t worth ruining his life over, said the same type of stuff when she talked about how some bullies locked her in a barn as a kid and peed on her, she said they didn’t plan it and it just escalated and that it’s just not right to be upset at them. I thought standing up for myself was wrong, i was also deeply neglected in general with no guidance of any sort and my social skills and cognitive abilities were behind for my age since I was homeschooled for my elementary years and had no socialization, plus, I was never taught about hygiene so I’d go weeks and often months with brushing my teeth and even bathing.