SHIT I accidentally hit post while I was trying to edit and I wasn’t done, fuck it
> didn’t know how or why or even if I should ever stand up to myself, thought I’d be a bad person if I did, eventually was bullied so hard about being fat and lazy and ugly and weird I gave up on being a good Christian girl and became a shit kid bully in middle school
> too socially awkward and not intimidating enough to get the nasty kids away like I wanted, and now the nice kids kept their distance if not outright banned from talking to me via their parents
> lashed out violently a lot, stabbed a boy with a pen because I was convinced he was pretending to like me as a way to make fun of me, punched a girl for spreading rumors I was blowing boys behind the school (I wasn’t)
> developed crazy obsession with a boy I thought was cute and had a sheet of paper I’d write down all the times we’d make eye contact
> first bf a year later, hung out every spare second of every day ALWAYS and didn’t have any idea I was smothering him because I thought if I had a bf and what I believed to be my future husband I would literally never need anyone else in my life ever, I remember I asked him if he wanted me to get a haircut or change my style at all and then lost my shit when he got a haircut without asking me because I thought that was normal. Also I remember he told me I was ugly and that he was embarrassed that the guys would make fun of him for dating me and that he was ashamed of me, so we both sucked
> Lost my virginity to a guy who lied to me, found out he had a gf
> fell in love with a friend, when I confessed my feelings he said he didn’t want to date but he down to fuck, I didn’t wanna, I said he’d just leave afterwards and abandon me, he promised me that he would never do that and we’re friends and brought up how he’s friends with all his exes, worst sex of my life happens, he not only leaves me but his goodbye text was filled with how I’m annoying and he actually hates me and was only friends with me because he thought I was easy; guess I proved him right lol
> raped in high school by a guy my bff introduced me to, a guy she knew was a predator
> PTSD from rape. I fought back horrific night terrors for years, almost a decade later they’re finally faded. Still paranoid of guys, still scared of being touched by guys. Still feel an anxiety attack coming on if men stand too close to me, which classes with my hypersexuality and porn/sex addiction because I always always always always want dick but I just can’t trust
> some guy I felt was my souls mate for years, I lied to him about getting pregnant because he ghosted me after the condom broke and I desperately wanted both revenge and attention, and ruined the relationship in doing so
> feel horribly unattractive and unwanted for a couple years during covid, coworker asked me out and for the first time in years it felt nice to be wanted- even though I was scared of being near a man. Also turned out he lied to me too, had been dating another girl for many years, all while he was making passes at me for the past year
> hate men hate life suicide drinking smoking almost killed myself becUse all I’ve ever been to men is disposable and I wanna fucking DIE drink myself until I almost die while covered head to toe in self harm scars and smoking a pack within a few hours
> Find out I have Borderline Personality Disorder and Antisocial Personality Disorder. I just want love and attention and positive because my parents never gave me any of that and I’m scared of being abandoned cuz I’ve never had many strong long term connections, mom died when I was a kid and shitty dad died a few years back so now my family barely tolerates me because they feel bad for me but I obviously stand the hell out and a lot of my family clearly sees me as a failure and don’t even see me as family, not telling me when they come in to town, KNOWING it’s my birthday but saying nothing (share birthday with gramma, they wished her happy birthday and tell them she and I were going out to dinner, they said nothing to me), and a few years ago there was a big wedding where a whole lodge was rented out but I didn’t get a room so even though I was invited I couldn’t go and it really really really really fucking hurt how they clearly didn’t seem to want me there but sent an invite for appearances sake
> these days I have no friends and my coworkers are nice to me because I regularly have mental breakdowns at work, so they feel bad for me
> I obsess over a fictional anime boy so I don’t slobber all over a real man, like when I got hyper obsessed with my boss a few years ago and couldn’t stop checking him out and even standing close to him so I could sniff him
> I get all my validation online because I guess I’ve gotten crazy fetishes revoking around being raped and murdered or other weird stuff because otherwise I feel I have nothing to offer
> oh god I am realizing how much I left out like my dad showing me my dead cats body and shoving dying rats in my face and the literal dozens of suicide attempts and that time that I first awoke in the hospital after another attempt and the first thing I experienced was my dad telling me that I was stupid and I could be burning in hell right now, along with a lot of other shit
> damaged good posting after a while lurking, dunno if I got this format and shit right plz be nice I’m very fragile I’m sorry
> is BPD fetishized at all? That’s like the biggest easiest way to describe my personality and I know people HATE me having BPD but because I’m so insecure about it I hope someone likes it…