I'm addicted to my madness/insanity. I can't help but crave going there. My last serious episode found me in a bad part of town, spilling my guts in a crackhead motel, high on molly, cocaine, weed, and... something I can't remember. I talked about how daddy fucked me and I love him, how I was a sex slave baby and reality isn't as good. I would have gotten off if I was still capable, but I can't.

I was hallucinating and I wasn't present while I was talking. That was only my physical presence. When I'm mad, time isn't a thing and I am that person again in those situations and I am here and "I" am just not even existent, I'm limited by my physical state. I wanted to go away, to go farther, but then I am unable to use my brain the same way and that's too dangerous for my self preservation instincts to allow.

I stayed present then but soon I'll break down. I'm going to get buttplugs and vibes and a big dildo. I have to be able to cum again but even if I can't, it'll drive me more and more insane.

I wish he loved me.