So I've checked the Yayoi's part of the story.

The old translation is pretty good, I'm probably being too nitpicky here, but here is the list of differences:

Differences:

1. I can only be satisfied if I feel my brain burst apart -> As long as I can enjoy the moment my brain gets blown away, it's fine (she's saying she's okay if Sensei's methods to keep her conscious for longer don't work, as long as she gets to enjoy the blast itself it's enough for her)

2. Even a bullet can't break it -> It's made so that it won't shatter too much even if hit by a bullet. (It does shatter a little bit as we see on a further page)

3. By brain feels so soft, it's coming out (and so on) -> 'y bwain ish sho... it's co'ing ou' (she's having trouble speaking)

4. I'm wetting the floor -> Pee ish co'ing ou' (she's not worried about the floor)

5. I'll make you feel better -> (not exactly a mistake, but I'd phrase it like:) I'll make you feel even better

6. Bwain and pussy feel good (why did she start saying bwain only now?) -> Bwain and pusshy both fee' goo' ("both" is the difference)

7. (after "I can't take it anymore") Brain... coming out... (where did bwain go again?) -> Bwain... co'ing (here the word is cumming, not coming out)

8. Can I have an orgasm while touching my brain? -> 'ay I cum wish 'y bwain?! (she's not just cumming at the same time as touching her brain, she's cumming from it, brain is the instrument of cumming, also the word touching isn't really there)

9. Apply for death. Just have fun dying as someone special. -> People who, yearning for death, want to experience a specific death.

10. We are looking for talent like that -> We are looking for people like that (she's not calling yearning for death a talent)

11. Waiting for your call -> Waiting for your reply. (doesn't specify it must be a phone call)

***
And here's my whole translation draft:

003

Title: 他殺志願
Applicant for Death

奥村やよいです
This is Yayoi Okumura.

これから死にます
I'm going to die now.
004

やよいちゃんの希望は銃で頭を撃ち抜かれて死にたいだったわね
Yayoi's wish was to be shot in the head and die, right?

どうしてそんな死に方がしたいの？
Why do you want this method of death?

えー言うんですか？恥ずかしいな
Eh, to say that? That's embarrassing.

前にＴＶで
Earlier on TV...

アメリカの大統領が暗殺されるシーンを見たんです
I saw a scene where the American president was assassinated.

頭がバンってはじけて
His head exploded

婦人が飛び散った脳みそをかき集めるの
How the Lady/Wife was gathering up the scattered brains

あれ見てあたし．．．．．．その．．
Seeing that made me... well...

濡れちゃって．．．．．．
all wet...

それから毎日自分の頭を撃ち抜かれる事を想像しては
Every day after that I fantasized about being shot in the head.

オナニーを．．．．．．
Masturbating...

あ
Ah

でも．．．．．．「自分の脳が噴き出すのを見たい」．．
But... "I want to see my own brain explode."

この要望は難しいわね
This request is difficult.
005

そうなんですか？
Is that so?

普通脳を撃たれたら瞬間的に意識を失うから．．．
Normally, if you're shot in the brain, you lose consciousness instantly...

でもまあできるだけやってみるわ
But I'll try my best.

アドレナリンとモルヒネを注射してできるだけショックを抑えます
Injecting adrenaline and morphine will minimize shock as much as possible.

銃は小口径の高速弾の方が意識を保ちやすいと思うけど
I think it'd be easier to maintain consciousness with a small-caliber, high-velocity bullet,

それじゃ穴が小さくて脳が外まで出ないから
but then the hole will be too small and the brain won't be able to get out.

炸薬を減らしたマグナムでできるだけ外側を撃ってみるわ
So I'll try shooting as far out as possible with a magnum with less explosive charge.

脳の右半分だけ上手く破壊すればかろうじて意識は残ると思うけど
I think if we manage to properly destroy only the right half of the brain, consciousness might only just (barely) remain.

保証はできないわよそれでいい？
But I can't guarantee anything, is that okay?

はいかまいません
Yes, I don't mind.

脳をふっとばされる瞬間を味わえればいいです
As long as I can enjoy the moment my brain gets blown away, it's fine.

想像するだけであたし．．．
Just imagining it, I... (makes me...)
006

じゃあこっちへ来て
Then come over here

はい
Yes

この鏡はね
This mirror, you see,

弾丸が当たっても大きく割れないようになってるの
It's made so that it won't shatter too much even if hit by a bullet.

だから自分の脳が噴き出すのを正面から観察するのに最適ってわけ
So it's perfect for observing your own brain explode head-on.

ふわぁ．．．
Ahhh...
007

弾は後頭部から入って
The bullet will enter through the back of the head,

脳の中を回転しながら突き進み
spinning while moving forward inside the brain,

この辺りから出てくるわ
and come out around here,

血と脳漿を撒き散らしてね
Scattering blood and brain matter.

ああん言わないでもうダメ！！
Ah, don't say it, I can't anymore!!

じゃあやるわよ
Alright, let's go.

はいお願いします
Yes, please.
008-009
(shooting)
010

大丈夫？まだ意識はある？
Are you okay? Are you still conscious?

左半身が麻痺してるみたいね
It looks like the left side of your body is paralyzed, eh.

支えてあげるわ
I'll support you.

あらひの．．．．．．のうみそ．．．やわ．．．
(私の脳みそ柔らかい)
'y bwain ish sho..(ft)

出へる
(出てる)
It'sh co'ing ou'

すごいあらひののうでへるよう．．．ひあ
(すごい私の脳出てるよ)
Wow, 'y bwain is co'ing ou'!.. hya
012

あ あああ おしっこ出へるぅ
(おしっこ出てる)
Ah Aaah Pee iss co'ing ou'!

気持ちいひよぉ
(気持ちいいよ)
Feelsh goo'!

もっと気持ちよくしてあげる
I'll make you feel even better

あひいおま．．．ひぃ
(私おまおまんこ)
'y push... hi-

いあああひぃい！！
Iaaahii!!
013

おまんこ気持ひぃぃいん
Pusshy feelsh goo'

のうとおまんこりょうほう気持ひいい
Bwain and pusshy both fee' goo'

らめえ～～
(だめ)
I can't...

あらひもうらめぇ！！
(私もだめ)
I can't anymore!!

のう．．．イク
Bwain... co'ing

あらひのうでイっていひ！？
(私脳でいっていい！？)
'ay I come wish 'y bwain!?

もちろん好きにしていいのよ
Of course, you may do whatever you want.


014

のう．．．
Bwain...

あらひののう．．．
(私の脳)
'y bwain...

あ
Ah

ひゆび．．．はいやわらかあいふへあ
(ゆび 入る 柔らかい)
phingersh... ent'r ... shooft... fue-ah

ああはいぃる
Aah, ent'in'

のうのなか
inshide the bwain

いく
coming

いくいくいくふ
coming coming coming fuah
015
Sfx: どぶん
squelch

Sfx: いにゃあ
inyaah!

Sfx: びくん
jerk

Sfx: がくがく
shiver

Sfx: びくっ
twitch

Sfx: ぴゅるっ
squirt
016

Sfx: びく
twitch

お休みなさい
Good night,

やよいちゃん
Yayoi-chan
017

はあ はあ
ha-a ha-a

パッ

このＤＶＤは一般には販売されていません
This DVD is not available for general sale.

ご注文をいただいても通常は表のＡＶを発送しております
Even if you place an order, we usually ship a cover-up AV.

こちらで調査の上
We conduct our own investigation

口が堅く内容にふさわしい金額をお支払いいただける方にのみお売りしています
and only sell to those who are discreet and willing to pay a fair price for the contents.

ただし調査の結果それ以外の方に無料でお分けする事もあります
However, based on the results of the investigation, we may also give them away for free to others.

そうあなたのような方です
Yes, someone like you.

みていただいてお分かりのように
As you understand from having watched this,

私たちの作品に出演するモデルは自ら強く死を望んでいる人たちです
The models who appear in our works are people who by themselves strongly desire death.

借金や病気などの苦痛から逃れるための死ではなく
Death is not a means of escaping from the pain of debt or illness.

死にあこがれ特殊な死を経験したい人
People who, yearning for death, want to experience a specific death.

そのような人を私たちは求めています
We are looking for people like that.
018

私たちはあなたにお望みの死を与えることができます
We can give you the death you desire.

まさか
No way...

この人．．．
This person...

連絡先は．．．別に言わなくてもわかるわね
My contact information is... I'm sure you know it without me having to tell you.

連絡待ってます
I'm waiting for your reply.

井上空くん
Inoue Sora-kun

せ．．．
Se...

先生！！
Sensei!!