For a first story, that was pretty good. Your writing is smooth and easy to read.

I agree with the rest that it was a bit too mechanical since there was barely any reaction from the victim. A look at her thoughts as it was happening would have went a long way. Maybe a scene at the start of the story as Starlight was delivered to Twilight (and before she got paralyzed) would have at least given the reader an idea of how the criminal was taking this situation.

But don't let us nitpicking your story discourage you. You obviously have talent and I'll look forward to read your next story.