“Oh, no, no, no. Far too jittery.”

The handsome young suitor twitched his last before going slack. Urine spread in a dark patch on his trousers. Princess Alexandria’s handmaiden sighed and freed him from the noose. “Your Highness, please,” she began, dragging his body to the ever-growing pile in the corner. “The court agreed to your... unorthodox standards for finding a husband, but you must decide yes or no before it’s too late.”

The princess humphed. “I’m trying! But you really can’t tell until they’re about to croak. I need him to kick his legs the right amount, and his face has to turn the /perfect/ shade of purple...”

The handmaiden sighed again. “Next!” Another nervous young man stepped onto the stool.