And now for something completely different... A man with a family of Jissouseki invading his home. A WitchDoctor productions.

Pest Control

(Inspired by a strip about Jissou with the same name)

At around 9:30 on Saturday morning, I heard some strange noises at the entrance of my home. Something dropped through the mail slot in the door. At first, I thought the sound was a package I had been expecting being delivered through the mail slot in my front door.

“Ah, the figurine I ordered arrived early! I’ll finish up making myself breakfast, then I’ll go get it.” Then I heard what sounded like another package being delivered. “I only ordered one ... What the hell?”

I left my kitchen and went to see what was being delivered. I only ordered ONE figurine, so if I got charged for the extra one, I was going to be pissed. Seriously, the one I ordered was really expensive. Oh, Hatsune Miku, you aquahaired overdose of cuteness, I cannot resist your charms, even when all I have of you is a 400x600 .GIF file and you cost more than I make in three days. *sigh*

Turns out that my figurine was not delivered. Instead, I found two small green goblins with flat faces, heterochromia,triagnular ears, and harelips. I was looking at two Jissouseki children.

I had a serious problem on my hands now, minus the lack of cute figurine. I saw a special on TV about this last week on Sunday. I think it was called “Horror Stories: Jissouseki Home Invasions.” All the incidents began like this: the mother Jissouseki would send her children into a house by any means possible, be it through a window, a door, a mailslot, or even one incident where they entered through a vent for the drying machine. Once inside, her children, and mother herself once she got inside, would try to befriend at least one occupant of the house and ask if they could be pets. They would stick around, beg and bug you until you said “yes.” Once Jissou moved in, it would take a large amount of time and effort to get them to leave, more time than I had in the weekend.

They would wreck your furniture, shit on your carpet and stain it, stain your clothing, eat your food, and annoy the shit out of you by asking for new clothes or new toys so shit like that. On top of that, they might invite other Jissouseki into your house as permanent residents, making the problem worse. They’re disgusting, selfish, noisy, annoying, cannibalistic, and they breed like rabbits. One person said that, except for single celled organisms, they were the fastest reproducing creatures on the entire planet.

I saw another child drop through the mail slot. It landed safely on its belly and climbed down to the ground. I had to do something fast before more get inside.

As I tried to recall what I had learned from the show, a few of them spoke to me in a high pitched squeaky voice.

“Is this your home, Mr. Human techi?” “We want to be your pets, techi.”

“Amazing techi! It’s cool in here techi!”

What I had learned from that show came back to me, and not a moment too soon. One woman that was in the audience had a close brush with an infestation, but she showed force against the family that wanted to settle in her home. More specifically, she attacked them with a broom, sweeping the children out of her apartment, and even going so far as to brush them off the walkway of her home, where they splattered on the ground nine stories below. She hadn’t had a problem with Jissouseki since then. Some of the “experts” on the show said that it might be attributed to her being nine stories off the ground, well out of reach for all but the most desperate Jissouseki, as this building had no functioning elevators.

The number of children dropped through the mail slot was now at five. “We won’t inconvenience you, Mr. Man techi.” One said as it made an X with its arms across its chest. “A little late for that,” I thought to myself. “Can everybody be happy techi?” “We’re just babies techi.” “We’re lovable babies techi.” “It’s so spacious in here techi.” “Can mama come live with us techii?”

It really was happening. An entire family of Jissouseki was attempting to invade my home. It wasn’t just a small group of orphans or strays wanting a place to live for a while. Those are dealt with easily enough; in those cases, using a broom would be overkill.

There was a mother behind that door, lifting her children up so that they could climb inside the mailslot, hoping that either I or her children would open the door.

I went back into my kitchen, where I kept my supplies for just about every dirty job around the house. Whether it’s cleaning out the toilet or preparing food, I really don’t like getting my hands dirty. I took a pair of rubber gloves out of a drawer. Getting rid of them was going to be a messy job, and I don’t want their filth getting all over me.

Seriously, that shit stains.

After putting on the gloves, I grabbed my camera and walked back to the front room. The door was wide open. Somehow, the Jissous got the door open. Standing just behind the threshold was the mother, clad in a green hoodie dress and what appeared to be a white bib with a pink bow, who had been dropping her children through my mail slot. She was two or three times as big as her offspring, making her about the size of a teddy bear. She barely reached the lower 3⁄4 ths of my shins. Her soulless mismatched eyes gazed back at mine, as if to say, “Am I not cute?” She had a pair of triangular ears on her head, making her look like a harelipped, retarded gremlin. She had the typical “cute” Jissouseki facial expression; mouth opened just slightly to showcase the harelip and tongue, right hand up to right cheek, head tilted slightly to the right. I say “cute” because I don’t find the gesture all that appealing; I
actually find the expression to be downright disgusting.

She had four more children behind the door than she dropped through the mail slot, making nine in all. To be honest, I have seen videos on the internet of people popping their MRSA boils that didn’t make me want to vomit like those disgusting little monsters.

The thoughts of seeing blood and pus flow freely out of massive, painful, pimple-like sores seemed like puppies and kittens compared to these filthy little parasites. Eight of the little pests were Jissou children, tiny versions of their mother no bigger than my thumb.

“Techi! Techi! Techi! Techuu!” they cried with their high voices; their high pitched calls making the sound of rusty nails on a chalkboard sound like Mozart. The other child was a grub, complete with stubby legs and a tail. It lay behind the mother, on its back, rolling back and forth with its tongue licking at the air as a trickle of dribble flowed from the corner of its mouth.

“Refuu~” It said as a small stream of a green slime leaked out of the slit at the base of its tail.

A truly disgusting sight, those children were. I could feel my hatred of them growing by the second. I was already plotting about ways to dispose of them, none of them particularly hygienic.

I stooped and gently picked up one of the children. I could barely feel her weight in my hand. She was so small I could wrap my index finger and thumb around her waist and support her that way. As I brought it up to my eye level, it smiled gleefully and threw its arms in the air with joy.

“Techuuu~! Mr. Man is really, really tall techi!”

“Mr. Human,” the mother addressed me, “Do you like my baby desu?”

I heard her siblings chirp as I play with the little patch of brown hair on the Jissou’s head.

“My big sister is enviable techii.”

“A friendly man is good techi.”

As I played with the little one’s hair, she giggled and said,

“That tickles, techii.”

I try my best to suppress the animal within that wants to destroy this abomination and say in a shaky voice “You’re so tiny...” She looks back at me like a kitten would its new owner.
While trying to melt my heart, she merely added fuel to my anger, burning hotter than the fires of Hell. I was having trouble controlling myself. My hands began shaking and my body tensed up.

As I played with her hair, the little beast in my hand chirped, “Don't worry techi. It’s not all that irritating, so I won’t run away techii.” Quietly, I heard the mother say to herself, “Mr. Man is playing with my baby...She’s happy desuu...”
My hands were shaking violently by now, and I am sure that my face turned beet-red in anger. I was trying my best to conceal it, but it was a battle I was quickly losing.

Finally, I snapped. The animal I had tried to contain had broken free and chewed through the leash. I found that my fingers had latched onto the little child’s tuft of hair. I gave it a hard tug.

“Am I getting closer to you te-“

At that moment, I heard a crack and saw red and green blood spurt everywhere. I looked down at the little child. It had stopped moving consciously, its body racked with involuntary spasms. In one hand, hanging by its hair, I held its severed head, its cheeks stained with blood and red-green tears. Its once bright eyes went dull. A small limp triangular tongue hung out of its harelipped mouth. Green slime was released from between its legs; filling its tiny white panties with a semi-solid matter that looked like really thick pond scum and smelled like raw sewage. Its mother’s and sibling’s faces went blue with shock and fear. Finally, the corpse stopped twitching. I threw it to the ground in front of its mother. It bent over its dead child in both shock and sadness. Its siblings watched on in horror.

“M-My... My baby...” I heard the children speaking. They were shocked that I would do such a thing. “Mr... Man?” “S-sis?” “Te...?”

After a few seconds, the mother looked up at me. When she saw her decapitated child on the ground, she abandoned that false facade of cuteness and showed her true self: a subhuman monster. She changed from a goblin trying to pass herself off as lovable to a demon torn between burning rage, confusion, shock, and sorrow. She shook violently, her face twisted in a mixture of agony and pure anger, with red and green tears pouring down her cheeks. Drooling and crying, she screamed, “W-w-w-w Why did it do such cruelty desuu... dejaaaaaaaa!”

Her children’s reaction was mixed. Some broke out into all out crying, while others tried to maintain an appearance of cuteness, pointless as it was. Sorry guys, the jig is up.

“Onee-chanaaaaann...” “Teeeeeen...” “Techuuun...” “Chiiinnn...”

While everybody was crying over the dead Jissouseki child, one of its living siblings walked too close to the step where I was standing. Big mistake on its part. I quickly reached down and grabbed it. It screamed in surprise, and its mother and siblings looked up from their mourning. Gone was the anger in the mother’s face, replaced with a look of shock, horror, and despair. She knew what was going to
happen to her child; she was going to do anything she could to save this one. “No... Stop... you cruel man... Please stop desuuuuuuu!”

The little one in my grasp was also terrified. The last time she trusted this human, she saw her sister be made shorter by a head. She was fearful of what I was going to do to her. She soiled herself, staining her previously clean white panties a dark green. Red and green tears poured down her face. She bared her teeth, and gave a growl that was just pathetic.

“TeEEEEeeeEEEEEEE!”

I almost burst out laughing when she threatened me. What was she going to do, shit on me? It was like an ant punching my shoe, saying "I got him, I got him."

No you don't. You're an ant. “Oh my, it’s wriggling so much... You’re soooooo scary.” I said with a large dose of sarcasm.

It hit the Jissou what I was going to do to her when I started twisting her little arm. In her limited mind, anger gave way to panic. Her terrified mismatched eyes seemed to plead, “Please, no!”
With one good twist, I tore her left arm right out of its socket. One weak pull and I had torn it off completely. The child emptied her bowels into her already full panties, splattering green slime on my glove. The child uttered a scream of utter agony through clenched teeth. Her siblings and mother went pale again and screamed. One thing was agreed on by me, the child in my hand, and the Jissou on the ground: that had to hurt.
Obliging to the mother’s pleas to just let her child go, I threw the child to the ground, where she landed hard on the tile right next to the corpse of her decapitated sister. She was shaking after she came to a stop, her frail little body already going into shock from the traumatic loss of a limb and copious amounts of blood. The mother didn’t kneel over her like the last one. She collapsed on her knees and then looked up at me on all fours. If looks could kill, she would have killed and dismembered me a thousand times over.

She looked like she was going to pounce and tear my face off with her bare hands.

“W-w-w-w-What did that baby do to you dejaaaaaa!?”

All around her, her children sobbed uncontrollably at the fate of their sister, now missing her left arm, crying, and shaking as her body began to shut down. Gritting her small teeth, she tried to hold back a scream when she looked at the stump of her now severed arm. Now all the children began crying; when they start dropping like flies, cuteness gets thrown to the wolves.

“Teeeeeen...” “Onee-chan!” “Teeee!”

The maggot from outside started to crawl in. I guess it heard the commotion and wondered what was going on.

“Refu?”

The children began berating me for my cruelty. Even the fucking maggot. Nevermind that they were all trespassing on MY property and were taking up MY time and were complaining about MY cruelty...

“You devil, techi! You monster techi!” Shut up... “Onee-chan what to it do refu?” Shut up...

“You’re evil, absolutely evil techiiiii...” SHUT UP “We didn’t do anything techi.” SHUT UP SHUT UP

“I’ll avenge my sisters techii!” SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP

The mother knelt over her two children, the survivor wincing and coughing in pain and fear, and started crying. “What did we do to you desuuuu?! What are my children’s crimes desuuuu?!”

Finally, I could hold back my rage no longer. I took deep breath and flushed red with rage.

“SHUT THE FUCK UUUUUP! THIS IS MY FUCKING HOUSE! YOU’VE OUT STAYED YOUR WELCOME, NOW GET THE FUCK OUT, YOU HORRID LITTLE BEASTS!”

They all recoiled in fear, other than the dying jissou on the floor. I think she was preoccupied with having her arm ripped off and then realizing that she going to die. I could feel the adrenaline and heated blood flowing into my arms and legs.
That outburst felt good. Good thing too. I was about to have another one within the next twenty seconds.

When she recovered, the mother squealed back at me, “D-Don’t be so greedy desu! That’s enough desu! Don’t kill my children desu!” My eyes widened with anger and shock. I felt my cheeks heat up as hot blood poured into my face. She’s coming into MY house and accusing ME of being greedy?!

YOU LITTLE PIECE OF ROTTEN TURKEY SHIT I WILL RIP OUT YOUR GODDAMN INTESTINES AND STRANGLE YOU AND YOUR UNHOLY SPAWN WITH THEM I’LL RIP OUT YOUR SPINE AND SHOVE IT YOUR SHITTY ASSHOLE I’LL THROW YOU AND YOUR CHILDREN OFF THE FUCKING ROOF GO DOWN TO GROUND LEVEL AND BEAT YOU

WITH A SACK OF FROZEN POTATOES GO AWAY JUST DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIIIIEEEEEE!!!

Some of the children berated me for my disorderly conduct, but not all. There was something distracting them from scolding me. It was the maggot. When I yelled, it was not prepared for such a shock and its heart exploded inside its body. Green blood leaked out of its mouth, and it was sitting in a puddle of its own waste. It stopped breathing, and its once bright beady eyes were now dull and lifeless. It was stone dead.

“Maggot-chan techi?” “Maggot-chaaaaaan!” “I’m scared techiiiii...” “Evil man teeeen!”

I had enough of our little exchange, and I said, “Okay, now leave, go away and never return.” The children did not respond well to that. A few of them climbed up the single step and attacked my slippered feet. It tried to kick them off, but to no avail. Some of the Jissou were begging, others were lashing out in anger, the rest chastising me for my cruelty.

“We’re very poor techi!” one pleaded.

“I’ll make you pay for my sisters techi!” one of the tiny she-devils screamed as she punched my foot.

“Why are you doing this techi?” Another chirped.

“You killed my favorite sister techi!”

“Why... are you doing this techiii!”

Alright, you little heathens. You plead with me, you attack me burning with rage. Let me show you a new kind of fire: a Butane lighter.

I picked up a candle lighter that I normally use for lighting candles for entertaining the occasional female guest. I bent down and pointed it at the Jissou directly in front of my foot.

A few of the keener ones of the group, the ones who didn’t climb up the step, caught onto what I was doing.

“W- What are you doing techi?” she said.

One of the children near my foot fell to the ground after I shook her free. One her sisters cried to the others “Help her techi!” to no avail.

The three attacking my foot were not so intelligent. The one under the lighter didn’t even look up. She kept holding onto my foot, weeping as it cried “This is the most sad I have ever been techu~n~”

Another, the one attacking me in revenge for its fallen sisters, clenched its teeth and cried, “I can never give Maggot-chan belly rubs anymore techi!”

I coolly replied,“Don’t worry little one. You’ll be able to give the damn maggot all the belly rubs you want... IN HELL!” That got their attention.

I flicked the lighter on. Almost instantly, the one complaining about being sad ignited. Well, at least it wouldn't be depressed or cold anymore.

“TECHAAAAAAAAAAAAA!” She screamed as her clothing went up in flames.

Her siblings on the step fell back in surprise as she was engulfed in blue flame. One of the children on at the entrance ran away, back towards the door. Good move. She picked the maggot up and started dragging its lifeless body away. “Run away techiii!” The others just sat still in shock. Perfect!

I lit another on fire. She screamed and then started coughing as the fire ate up the oxygen around her. Her anguished screams were loud enough to hear over the flames consuming her into a pile of smoldering ashes.

“CHIGYUYAAAAAA!” *COUGH COUGH COUGH*

I looked at the remaining children at my feet and they ran towards the door. A few of them tripped over the burning bodies of their siblings, catching their hair or clothing on fire in the process. One tripped while climbing down the step, breaking its legs from landing on the tile. Even so, it crawled away, legs shattered and hair alight.

“IT’S HOOOOOT TECHIIIIII!”

“HELP TECHI! MY HAIR’S ON FIRE TECHIIIII!”

“TEEEEEEEEN! TEEEEEEEEEENN!”

Some of the children fled in such a panic that they ran through the railing 6 feet in front of my door, falling to their doom.

After the burning children fled for their lives, I turned to the mother Jissou. She had backed up into a corner and had filled her panties to the point of bursting with green slime. Her eyes were fixed on the smoldering corpses that were her children. When she hear my footsteps, she locked eyes with me.

“You monster desuu... You’re a monster desuuuu!”

“Want to be next?” I said as I flicked the lighter on.

Her eyes got as big as saucers and she fled out the door, shitting herself. As she ran, her panties burst, splattering a big wad of green slime on the ground.

With that little demonstration over, I closed the door to make sure that no more Jissou came inside. I went back to the kitchen to clean up the mess the little bastards left behind. I came back with paper towels, a wet rag, and the garbage can.

I took a nap after I had finished removing the corpses, blood, and excrement off the floor. All that was left were scorch marks where two Jissou children had been immolated. I guess I would need to get it repolished. I would have to deal with that later.

I awoke to the sounds of something being dropped through the mailslot. "Okay, maybe that was the figurine I ordered." Then another object dropped through the mailslot. I jumped to my feet, grabbed a pair of rubber gloves, and walked to the door.

“Here we go again...”

Pest Control END