And now, to send off the old year and welcome the new, a fresh story from me, at long last!


Holiday Shenanigans


Thorold, Ontario, Canada
December 23, 2016
Afternoon


It was the day before Christmas Eve, and I had some errands to run to prepare for the holiday's festivities. I got bundled up and went outside, looking around at all the fresh snow. It looked like it was going to be a white Christmas this year (although half the snow ended up melting by Christmas morning), and that alone made me so happy. What didn't make me happy was the distance to the store.

I've moved to a new house now, way down on the opposite end of the same street, so the shopping plaza is a much longer walk away than it was before. Yukiko has grown up since then as well, now a healthy but much less adorable adult jissou standing at the typical height of around two feet. It's rather amazing how something the size of a human thumb can grow to the size of a pop can and then shoot up to the size of a large teddy bear. She's still a rare example of a good, smart jissou, having occasional lapses in judgement but otherwise the same as ever. She's had babies of her own as well, more than once, but understands that they can't stay, especially after the move--my new landlord would only allow her and one of my cats, the rest of whom now live with various family members. I haven't told her about the variety of things that happen to the babies after I take them outside, but perhaps it's better that she not find out. Maybe I'll tell you a story about that sometime.

I took in how beautiful everything looked covered in soft, pure snow and admired people's lights and decorations as I passed by. Before I knew it, I was already halfway to the plaza. Up ahead, I heard the squealing chant of a young Jissouseki and soon saw three of them standing in a small snowbank at the edge of someone's yard, a mother and two children in filthy clothing, the larger of the children holding a cardboard sign on a stick with Japanese writing. It was written in shit, naturally. As best as I could tell, the translation was something like "Good pets deserve human homes, desu!" Yeah, you're definitely good pets deserving of anything, keep telling yourselves that.

"We need home, techi! We not bugs, techi!", she rhythmically recited over and over, marching back and forth. As I approached, the other child and the mother looked up and me and did the "cute" pose.

"Hello, Mr. Man, desu!", the adult greeted me, "It's Christmastime, is it not, desu?"

I nodded and gave a sort of affirmative-sounding grunt. Her expression didn't change in spite of my obvious disinterest.

"I thought so, desu! So why not take one of my beautiful babies home with you, desu?", she cooed, patting her child on the head, "They never have home, but they will make wonderful Christmas gifts and perfect pets, desu!"

The one with the sign ceased her annoying chant for a moment and chimed in with her two cents. "That right, techi! We full of singing, dancing and poop, just for you, techi!"

What is it with jissou trying to use their ability to shit enough to fill a dump truck as a selling point?

"Our mama no can take care of us out here, techi! Is too cold, techi!", the other child explained, "So you take us home and--"

She didn't finish the sentence, cause I threw a snowball in her face. I don't know how all three of them failed to notice me making the damn snowball, but they did. She began crying and shitting herself, her sister dropping the sign and rushing over to her.

"M-Mama, Mr. Man throw snow at me, techaaaa!", she squeaked tearfully.

"You shit Mr. Man, why you do that when she only ask for home, desu?!", Mama shouted, face going red with rage.

"Because why not?", I asked back with a grin. I reached down and picked up the sign-bearing child, scaring her and making her shit herself as well. I gave her a light but firm squeeze, making her empty out even more. Tossing the child back onto the snowbank and whipping out of my pocket a pen that I keep around for such unexpected moments, I quickly modified the sign a bit while the mama squeaked empty threats and insults at me, her children now whining about how shit-bloated their panties were.

I scrawled out a "translation" above the Japanese: "Worthless pests deserve death, desu!"

"I'm sorry", I lied, handing the sign back to the child, "I can't take you home with me, but I did help you a bit--now people can actually read your sign!" They couldn't read it, I could tell, so they immediately believed me.

"Oh! Thank you, desu! Bless the good Mr. Man at Christmastime, desu~!", the mama cheered, her children cheering with her, and the three resumed the chanting together this time, forgetting their previous anger and pain. Then I took the sign-bearer's sign away and, before she could even react, drove the bottom through her skull, impaling her whole body effortlessly. The little fucktard died with a big stupid smile on her face, gurgling out part of the chant as her last words as she expired.

"W-We no...bug...? Durrshiiii..."

The other child and their mother stood and stared at her corpse, then looked up at me.

"Merry Christmas." With that and a little smile and wave goodbye, I started walking away. Then a big wad of shit flew past me, narrowly missing my head. In one immediate motion and without even changing my expression, I turned around, quickly walked back over, picked up the mother, who was preparing to throw another shitball, and violently threw her onto the road, hearing her scream as her face scraped across the pavement. She got up and began pitifully stumbling back to the sidewalk, her face bloody, mostly skinless and a bit flat, prompting me to kick her back onto the road once she got close enough. The whole time, her child screamed and cried, and after two more kicks to the gut, she seemed to just give up. She flopped down onto her back, panting and shitting, and just waited there until a van drove by and crushed her head into paste.

"MAMAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!", the child shrieked, "Mr. Man, you kill Mama, techa!! NOW I KILL YOU, TECHA!!" She reached into her panties and tried to throw a little shitball of her own, but it just landed on her head. I don't even get how she managed to do that.

"MY HAIR, TECHA!! My hair stink now, techa!! Clean me, techa!!", she screamed at me as I walked away. I still had to get to the store, so I left her freaking out on the snowbank. At the next intersection before the plaza, I happened upon another child jissou, this one dressed in a heavier outfit than normal, seemingly fashioned from other jissou's dresses. She had a row of frozen-solid maggots lined up in front of her.

"Mr. Man, would you like one, techi?", she asked, "All these Maggot-chans need new homes, techi! Pick your favourite, each only one candy, teCHAAAAA!!!" She interrupted herself with a horrified scream as I crushed all the maggots to pieces under my boot with one quick stomp. "WHY YOU DO THAT, TECHAAA?!"

Really, did I even need a reason? They were likely dead anyway. She ran off shitting herself, flailing around and screaming unintelligibly, leaving trails of colourful tears, as I made my way across the street and hurried to the store. Finally, about 15 minutes later, I had my stuff and was making my way back home. The way back is even more unpleasant, as the town is actually on a subtle incline and my house is now uphill. But it got more unpleasant before I even left the plaza, as I heard a soft panting and the rustling of a plastic bag. Looking behind myself, I saw an adult jissou running to catch up to me, carrying a grocery bag on her shoulder like a giant purse.

"Mr. Man! Mr. Man, please wait, desu!", she cried out. I stopped, turned and looked down at her. She seemed rather clean, possibly knowing she had to look good to sucker people into giving her things. She might've been an abandoned pet, judging by the pink ribbon clip on her left ear. I rolled my eyes as she caught up to me.

"What do you want, dumbass?", I asked tiredly.

"Mr. Man... I noticed...you just...came out of...the store, desu...", she panted. She caught her breath and held her bag open, and I could see it contained a surprising amount of stuff--a banana peel, a chewed-up gum wad, a chicken wing, a strawberry, a grape, a pizza crust, a cigarette butt, a piece of what looked like chocolate muffin, an apple core, a Dorito and a water-packed boiled child jissou. "I have collected a good Christmas dinner, desu! But if you would be so kind, please give more food, Mr. Man? You don't have to, but I would like my babies to have a luxurious and delicious feast for Christmas, desu. Besides, I have 11 things--would 12 not be perfect for Christmas, desu? Christmas have 12 days, the song say so, desu!"

I had to admit, I was impressed by her careful politeness. No wonder she hadn't been killed yet and had successfully collected a few things from people who just wanted her to shut up and leave. I was even more impressed by the fact that she could count past five, let alone that she knew and understood the 12 Days of Christmas song. I decided to humor her a little, grabbing a single small orange out of my bag and holding it up, enticing her.

"Would you like a nice juicy orange? It's a Christmastime orange! They're very popular at this time of year, both here and in Japan!"

"Oh, Mr. Man, that is perfect, desu!", she squealed, handing her bag right to me. "Here, I trust you with my groceries! Put orange in and I give you present in return, desu! A special gift for giving me 12th Christmas dinner ingredient, desu!" I took the bag and put the orange in, and waited for her "present", whatever her idea of such might be.

She dropped her panties, turned around and took a big disgusting diarrhea dump on the pavement.

Why did I expect anything different?

"Here, Mr. Man! I give you my fresh poop, desu! It have many uses! Poop can be food, you can throw poop at bad things, or you can light poop on fire to stay warm tonight, desu!" She looked so fucking proud of herself, it made me sick to my stomach. Or maybe that was the shit. I noticed a car starting up nearby and knew just what to do.

"Fetch.", I said in a deadpan tone as I threw the bag of trash she called "Christmas dinner" over towards the car, right near the path of a back wheel. She became furious, as expected, and ran over to her bag with her panties around her ankles, cussing me out the whole time.

"Shit Mr. Man! You throw away Christmas dinner, desu! You shit human who not deserve my gift, desu!", she ranted. As she knelt down to pick up the bag, she slipped and ended up flat on the ground, and the car began pulling out from its parking space, which she noticed quickly.

"No, Mr. Car, I still here, deGYAAAAAAAAA!!!" She'd lifted her head out of the way in time, but her arms were crushed by the car's tire and she yanked herself away, tearing her arms off at the elbows. Not quite what I'd planned, I was expecting her to be crushed to death by it, but hey, it works. I waited for the car to leave and went over to the jissou, who was now sitting in a pile of shit and crying over the destruction of her arms.

"M-Mr. Man!", she wailed, wiggling the bleeding remnants of her arms at me, "I cannot carry my groceries anymore, desha! Please, carry them for me? My babies will have no Christmas dinner if you not help, desha! I very sorry I call you shit human, I only say that out of anger, desha! Believe me! Please believe me, deshaaa!"

Well, I figured, it's not like she can do anything like this, and she'll likely die soon anyway. Might as well do her this one favour, since at least she's mostly polite.

"Okay, fine. I'm sorry for throwing your dinner." I helped her onto her feet and out of her shitty panties and picked up the bag. "I assume your home is in the park?"

"Y-Yes, the memory park, desu."

"Memorial."

"Right, that's what I meant, desu."

And so, despite not wanting to, I walked her to the park, checking now and then to make sure she hadn't lagged behind and/or been killed. After a short while, we got there and she directed me to her home, a large cardboard box (as expected) tucked away in the corner of the park's walls, "JISSOU HOME" scrawled in marker (not as expected, I was expecting shit) above the makeshift door.

"Okay, Mr. Man, we here, desu! Thank you so much for helping, but I can take it from here, desu!"

But as she was about to go inside, I stopped her, signalled for her to stay quiet and listened carefully. It wasn't so much what I could hear, but what I couldn't hear. And what I couldn't hear was any jissou children in the box. Those things almost never shut up, especially when they know their mother or a human is nearby, how could I not hear any? I went to check and she blocked the door.

"N-No, Mr. Man, everything is fine, desu! No need to look inside, desu!" I responded by picking her up and setting her down behind me. Much to her dismay, I opened the "roof" of the box, and saw...several torn, bloody dresses about the size of child jissou, matching shit-stained panties, torn-out jissou hair all over the floor, and blood and shit splattered on everything...

As I slowly turned after a moment of silence punctuated by the wind picking up, my face frozen in a look of utter shock and disgust, she began to explain herself before I could even say a word.

"Mr. Man... I must confess, I lied about my babies, desu. This Christmas dinner, it... It's only for me, desu. After I was abandoned by my master, things were very hard for me, desu... I have babies and then was barely able to care for them, desu... When snow came, food was scarce, and I began to starve, and so... I had to eat my children, desu. It's just the way things had to be, desu! They not mind! It was their final duty as good children to keep their mama alive, desu!"

"Tell me...", I responded in a quiet voice that quivered with anger, "Were they looking forward to Christmas?" I don't even know why, but I found myself caring about this.

"Yes, desu. They were looking forward to Christmas for months, desu. But I would not be alive today if I had not eaten them yesterday, desu. Besides, this mean I get more food and presents for Christmas, desu!"

Yesterday. She'd eaten them yesterday. December the 22nd. Three days before the Christmas they'd looked forward to so much! Instead of offering herself to keep them alive, she chose to kill and eat them, apparently in a violent manner, and have Christmas all to herself! She clearly wasn't starving that badly anyway, I could tell just by looking at her! I emptied her garbage into the box, tossed the bag away to be carried off by the wind (eliciting a gasp and a cry of "Oh no! My shopping bag, desu!" from the lying bitch) and dug around in my own, pulling out a box of candy canes. I opened it and pulled two out, unwrapping them and, as silly as it may sound in hindsight, keeping her waiting as I sucked and bit away at the ends.

"What are you even doing, Mr. Man?", she soon asked impatiently, "If you giving me those, why make me wait so long?"

I now had the ends worn down to points. Not very sharp ones, of course, but pointy enough for what I was about to do. I took away her ribbon clip, making her whimper in protest (and getting myself a nice present for Yukiko!), kicked her over, made my way around to her head as she tried to get back up, and knelt down with one candy cane in either hand. The last thing she ever saw was my enraged face upside-down over hers and two candy canes descending towards her eyes.

"DEGYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!", she shrieked as blood sprayed onto my hands from her punctured eyeballs and shit sprayed from her vaganus, "DARK!! HURT!! I NO CAN SEE, DESHA!! WHERE EVERYTHING GO, DESHA?! WHAT YOU DO, DESHAAAAAA?!?!"

I hauled her back onto her feet, watching her stumble around, armless and blind. I grinned and laughed coldly as my rage mixed with the joy of seeing her suffer, cleaning my hands of her blood in the snow.

"That's for lying to me and wasting my time. And it's also for ending the lives of your children to keep your selfish ass alive, even when you knew they were looking forward to Christmas. I'm through being nice to you, shit-goblin, and I'm determined to make you look so freakish and stupid that no one will ever treat you with undeserved kindness again!"

"BUT MR. MAN, IT'S CHRISTMAS--" I punched her in the mouth before she could finish that fucking sentence, hearing her teeth shatter like glass. I didn't even think about it, that's just my natural reaction to "But Mr. Man, it's Christmas Eve, desu!" It wasn't Christmas Eve yet anyway. Now she was armless, blind AND missing most of her teeth. Let's see you eat your "Christmas dinner" like that, bitch. And then I got a bit creative, following this up by yanking her hood down, effortlessly ripping her hair out, and forcing a dumb set of reindeer antlers onto her head that I'd originally thought of putting on my cat.

"Dance for me. And sing. Make their sacrifice worth it, shit mama."

"S-Sing?!"

"Do it, or your legs and tongue go next! Sing the 12 Days of Christmas song! And don't stop at 12!"

"Y-You want me to make it up as I go after 12, desu?!"

"Yes! JUST DO IT!"

"O-On the first day of Christmas, m-my master give to me
A package in a pear tree, desu!"

Okay, so maybe she didn't know it as well as I thought. But hey, it was funny watching her blindly dance around with candy canes jutting out of where her eyes should be and hearing her sing with only a few teeth left in her mouth, all while she was bald and wearing felt antlers.

"Keep going, freak! Sing as loud as you can! And don't stop until I say so!" And with that, I got up, retrieved my bag and ran for it.

"On the second day of Christmas, my master give to me
Two purple ducks
And a package in a pear tree, desu!!"

She couldn't hear me running off over her off-key scream-singing, so she just kept going and going. By the time I reached the end of the street and turned the corner, the retard was screeching about "five onion rings". I wonder how long she kept it up for, but I'd wager she kept going until she danced into the street and got her stupid ass run over, or perhaps she froze to death, maybe fell face-first into her shit and suffocated while having the candy canes driven into her brain. I wouldn't know, cause I sure as hell didn't go back to check. All that matters is that she died a long, humiliating, painful and very cold death. I never even learned her name, but I suppose it doesn't make any difference now.

As if knowing I needed my mood lightened, the wind calmed and fresh snow began gently falling. I passed by the ruined jissou family from earlier, the mama still crushed on the road and now being picked at by crows, the dead child still smiling away with the sign stuck through her, and the living one still crying with shit on her head. She didn't see me, but even if she did, I'm sure she was too deep in despair to even react by now. Before long, I was back home, where Yukiko was ready to greet me in the kitchen, drinking a can of ginger ale. I was honestly a bit surprised she could get it open with no fingers.

"Hello, Al-sama!", she chirped, "Welcome home, desu! Did you have safe trip? You were out longer than you said you'd be, desu."

"Oh yes, I'm fine, you darling gremlin", I chuckled, tossing her a newly bought ice cream sandwich to snack on, "I just had to teach a shit mama jissou a valuable lesson. She ate her babies yesterday and tried to justify it, and she tricked me and others into giving her food."

Yukiko nodded. "She lied to get food and killed her own babies right before Christmas, desu? Then she was a shit mama indeed, desu. "

"But hey, that's all behind me now. So how about we fire up some Christmas movies?"

"That sounds wonderful, desu!"

And so we did just that, enjoying the evening together and getting hyped for the following days. Christmas was practically here, to paraphrase the Grinch, and not even bad jissou could spoil the holiday fun for me in the long run.