>>21295

Thanks for taking the time to give such detailed feedback.

I agree with pretty much most of what you said, for some reason while writing some of the details seemed more important than they do now. The first rough draft didn't really explain CHALDEAS, but it seemed necessary to explain why Olga Marie was so upset when it had turned red, and Mash's explanation seemed the only place where it would fit. And when I was explaining one thing it seemed natural to explain others. Now I agree that it should have been explained during Olga Marie's briefing, it would give even more weight to her horror if she had spoken about it with barely withheld excitement earlier, and things like SHEBA could have been left out entirely. Maybe SHEABA's explanation is where the protagonists could have dozed off, hinting to the reader know there is more to know without piling on too much exposition. My initial plan was to have three blocks of exposition, after the rayshift from Mash, from Dr. Roman after establishing contact, and from Da Vinci after returning. I thought interrupting with exposition once might be less painful, but it might have been better the first way.

You're right that I could have explained more about the twin's situation. Grand Order has a handful of Servants that are two characters sharing a single Spirit Origin (Castor and Pollux might have even been the impetus for me to finally finish the first chapter), and I suppose my thinking was that is was a similar situation, just as a Master instead of a Servant. They probably applied for a single room, either as a couple or sibling roommates. Whether or not they were open about the other side of their relationship could go either way. The idea of siblings sharing a servant isn't a totally new idea to Fate, though the other instance utilized unique sorcery and had the servant split into a good side and an evil side, each sister controlling one. https://typemoon.fandom.com/wiki/Edelfelt_sisters

Mash's scene at the end of Chapter 2 was more intended to be kind of an epilogue rather than it's own full scene. The focus of the story is more the guro aspect and that scene was pretty vanilla, just establishing a sexual relationship between Mash and the twins going forward. Though I can see where you're coming from saying Mash could have used more dialogue and characterization.

I don't know if I'll try rewriting the first chapter, I'm just kind of relieved to finally move it out of the WIP folder after two years. Chapter 2 was in there less than a week. Enthusiasm for rewriting is dampened even further by not being able to edit posts here. Maybe I'll revisit it eventually, but for now I'm just excited to finally be past it and able to write some of the ideas I have for the setting.

The alcohol was indeed mainly because of Jing Ke. If I write a chapter featuring Shuten Douji it would probably heavily involve drinking, but otherwise I wouldn't expect it to be involved much, maybe just some rum or something with the pirates or other debauchery servants.

Hopefully if I write something this close to the source again I'll be able to do a better job. Difficulty establishing derivative work is probably why the only other fan fiction I've written piggy backed off of someone else's interpretation of a setting. (>>16201)

I enjoyed your conclusion, gave me a chuckle and helped soften the (very constructive) criticism.