>>13721
>I almost deleted than line cos I thought it a bit corny!

Reminds me of some advice I got once, not for writing, but I think it's applicable none the less: Whatever you come up with, believe in it and go for it. That joke works because it is stated very clearly; if you had concealed it because of insecurity, doubt etc. it might not have worked. Of course, an author needs to self moderate and refine the language, but the greater the intent and clarity of a given statement, the higher its chance of reaching the reader.

>I do think it's substantially better than the original though

Oh absolutely. The original was still very good, mind you, but now you've taken the step from 'internet fiction' to 'if not for the subject matter, this could've been a published novel'