Wonderful story! it has more action than average Hollywood's action movie. :)
You used every opportunity to fit every possible detail with excellent results. feels almost like a picture.

I think this story is even too intense to be posted in one piece. You probably could split it into scenes because now you put so much work into it and there will be not that much discussion or feedback to reward you for all your work.

One thing you may be lacking is expressing how girls feel, so you compensate it with lots of action.
You could try to add more dialogues in your future stories where girls are talking about what is happening to them or what they expect.