"H-hey, Erin," I faltered a bit, having finally worked up the nerve to ask my crush, "I really like you. Can I fuck you?"

She looked me over in surprise. "Over my dead body. Sorry, you're just not my type."

"Oh! Okay," I said, my turn to be surprised, "Can you sit down against the wall then?" I asked, taking out my pocket knife, "I can take your head off real quick."

"That's not what I... Oh never mind," she complied.

"Thanks so much, Erin," I said as my knife sliced her neck deeply, "I’m really going to enjoy you!"