Chapter 12 - A mother's thoughts


Stephanie knew that she wasn't needed at that point. This moment belonged to the two of them and only them. However, she would never forget the moment when Natalie told her father the big news. It touched her heart to see her husband take his beloved child in his arms, hold her close, and hold her tight, because she knew exactly what he was feeling at that moment.

On the one hand, he was of course happy for his brother. George and he were very close and had spent a lot of time together in the past. It was only after her brother-in-law moved to California with his family that this changed. Mike missed him very much and being able to give him this gift now filled him with great joy. But it also meant that he would lose his only daughter. And that was the other side of the coin.

She knew how Mike felt. He hadn't been thrilled when he first heard the news either. And yet, just like her, he had decided to leave the final decision up to Natalie. It was her life. Her body. Her death. She was no longer a little child, as she herself had realized just yesterday when they were at the café. She was a young woman who could make her own decisions. And she seemed to have made up her mind.

  And so Stephanie sighed, gave her daughter another smile, blew her a kiss, and left the two alone. But she didn't return to her study; instead, her feet carried her to Natalie's room as if of their own accord. She opened the door, stepped inside, and closed it behind her. Then she looked up and glanced around. Posters of her daughter's favorite band hung on the walls. The bed was rumpled and unmade. Several tablets lay scattered across her desk, the computer screen was off. Toys she probably hadn't touched in ages were piled up on the shelves. And in front of the wardrobe stood the Sybian that Nattie had gotten for Christmas two years ago. Stephanie smiled as she looked at the almost empty bottle of lubricant next to the excessively used sex toy and shook her head in amusement. But then she looked up at the now empty and open wardrobe and bit her lip.

I really didn't think she would do that

Through the closed bedroom door came the loud and excited moans of her daughter, who had probably just been brought to climax by her father. Stephanie's heart pounded with happiness, but her hands clenched in front of her chest and she bit her lip.

Her voice, which I won't hear again in a few weeks. The house will be so empty without you

With tears in her eyes, she sank down onto the edge of the bed, grabbed her child's blanket, pulled it toward her, and buried her face in it. She breathed deeply, taking in the familiar scent, and squeezed her eyes shut.
Until recently, she had still hoped that Nattie might change her mind. That was why she had taken her to Chloe. Why she had tried again and again to shock her, to challenge her. She had hoped that the cold, hard reality of her impending death might dissuade her from her plan. But it seemed she had underestimated Nattie's determination.

My little girl wants this, and part of her is looking forward to it. She takes after me, maybe a little too much. It's my own fault that I'm losing her now. Maybe things would have turned out differently if I hadn't given her my novels to read all the time

But no sooner had the thought popped into her head than she called herself a fool. Because, of course, Stephanie knew that it wasn't that simple to explain. That's just the way the world was. Even when she gave birth to little Nattie and held her in her arms for the first time, overjoyed, she knew that she might only have a few years with her. Girls were eaten in this world, that was a fact. It was normal; she herself had helped slaughter dozens of them in her youth. Some of her fondest memories were of helping her father in the slaughterhouse. And then there was the fact that she herself had never really planned on growing very old.

Steph sobbed into the blanket, squinting her eyes and pulling her knees up. It was as if all her strength had left her at that moment. Because despite all these logical thoughts, part of her blamed herself and wondered if it was perhaps her fault after all. Whether she had unwittingly and unconsciously driven her child to this decision.

Why didn't I just say no on her behalf? Why? No, George, you can't eat my only daughter, buy yourself a meat girl!

In hindsight, she would have much preferred to face her daughter's accusations of patronizing her than the reality she now faced. She would have much preferred to try to explain to her why she had taken this decision out of her hands than to lose her forever. But she hadn't done it. Instead, she had assured her brother-in-law and niece that she would talk to her. That she would ask her and leave the decision up to her. Had that been irresponsible or respectful towards her child? She didn't know. Nevertheless, there was this little voice inside her that she just couldn't silence, accusing her over and over again of failing as a mother.

Stephanie didn't know how long she lay in her daughter's bed crying. But she knew she couldn't hide forever. And so, at some point, she sat up, ran her fingers through her hair, and dabbed the tears from her cheeks.

I have to be strong for her. I don't want to unsettle her in any way. If that's her dream, then she should be allowed to enjoy it to the fullest and not have to worry about whether she might hurt us in the process

Then she got up, took the blanket, shook it out, and left the bed in a much tidier state than she had found it. Then she went to the wardrobe, closed it, and finally pushed the tablets on her child's table neatly together. Just like a mother does.

A mother... soon I won't be one anymore

Once again, she had to fight against a hard lump in her throat and almost roughly wiped her eyes with the palms of her hands to hold back her tears.

Pull yourself together, Robinson. Be strong, damn it. You are a woman in a world where very few girls get the chance to become women. Now help your girl find her way and stop thinking about yourself

And so Stephanie left her daughter's bedroom, put on a fake smile, and went into the kitchen. The two lovebirds in the living room were sure to need refreshments after their little romp.