>>29082
> The problem with such a long and sprawling story is that you end up with so many dangling threads it's easy to forget some!
That's almost natural. You'll find sometimes even sentences that start in one direction and end in a completly different. You can be sure they where edited at on end without taking care of the other. So with a text as huge as yours there is no need to apologize. Luckily I asked soon enough. ;)

>>29085
Not wanting to be a Beckmesser I stumpled over some discrepancies and inconsistencies in the next chapter.

> Laura could feel the sensation of something being inside her once again, as well as the stinging around the cut now that the numbing of the ice had worn off and the soreness caused by Amelia’s arm constantly going in and out but it was not really bothering her.
It should be Samantha feeling cold and so on.

> “I think we need to get you in the pan before we stuff your other hole!” Laura suggested before realising a slight logistical problem.
Stuffing the other hole is not mentioned anymore. After turning Samantha around and applying the cushion the plate goes directly into the oven.

The next two paragraphs hold IMHO two issues.
> Willow’s stripping had been so theatrical, Samantha realised, that she had not even noticed Ella start to get undressed with the help of her mum, nor Caroline quietly stripping off in the corner, but very soon they were both naked too, apart from Ella’s hat.
> “Doing some advertising?” Amelia grinned, walking over to the sister, having of course heard all about them signing up to the Sidney’s private menu and having been proudly shown their listing like everyone else at the party, with the possible exception of Samantha’s Grandma and Grandpa who had been the last to arrive.
The obvious problem is that while Samantha is already in the oven it's Amelia, who is realising.
The second issue is a bit tricky, more about reading flow and only meant as recommendation.
The last person adressed in the first paragraph is Ella ‒ indirect by her hat. Though the hat is no sister and so the last directly adressed person is Caroline, readers may think that Amelia approaches Ella. I thought in the first moment that it should be "sisters" instead of "sister" before I realised that they were at different places (with mother and in the corner). To cut it short: Like you I tend to (and like) long sentences with subordinate clauses and insertions. But I've learned that the readers get less confused and stay more aware with shorter bits of text. And it helps to keep the overview. :)

Then I found two typos, funnily both near of direct speech towards Nadine.
(phonecall with Samantha)
> “But nowhere near as yummy as a willing girl! And Rosie is way too small yet! Little Rosie was the youngest ...
May be you want to add a missing closing qutation mark.
“But nowhere near as yummy as a willing girl! And Rosie is way too small yet!" Little Rosie was the youngest ...
(in front of the oven)
> “You know how when you wash down there in the bath or shower it feels kinda good?” to Gram’s relief, Nadine simply nodded.
It's a tininess but I had to read it thrice util I got the sentences sort apart.
“You know how when you wash down there in the bath or shower it feels kinda good?” To Gram’s relief, Nadine simply nodded.

Last but not least the ages of Julie and Mike's children alter slightly during story and character list.
> Little Rosie was the youngest of the siblings and was a little over three years old while George, the middle child and only boy, was seven.
> Next to arrive was Josh’s sister Julie and her husband Mike along with their three children, nine year old Nadine, six year old George and Rosie who, as she loved informing people, was two and a half.
> Nadine, George & Rosie. 10, 6 & 2.5yo. julie & Mike's children and Samantha's cousins.
In the story Nadine is multiple times referred as nine year old. The list states her as 10.
George is said to be six or seven in the story. He is listed as 6.
And Rosie is according to the story a little over three or two and a half and 2.5 when looked up in the list.

>> 29091
> “Oh yes, don’t worry about that!” Rachel grinned, taking a few shots then shifting her position to take a few more.
It's Laura ...

I hope all this doesn't offend you ‒ it is really not meant do to. If you don't like this post, I'm willing to delete it.
Keep on rocking!