I stepped forward and stood at the mike stand as everyone clapped for me and I tried to adjust the mikes but they were awkward then Claude came over and took a wireless one out and said I should hold it which felt a lot more comfortable and meant I could walk around a bit. Plus it gave me something to do with one of my hands at least which was something I found awkward doing the practice at the hotel. A cheerful instrumental version of Yellow Rose of Texas played on the speakers then faded out when Claude gave me the mike.

[Editor’s note – While Sidney does not record the content of her speech in her diary, recordings remain and are transcribed verbatim below. The following text is all Sidney speaking unless otherwise indicated.]

That’s better! Now I can move around and talk to y’all! Well howdy! Good of y’all to come! As I’m sure y’all know by now I’m Sidney Roebuck, proud daughter of the great state of Texas and the tastiest little piglet this state or any other in these beautiful United States of ours have ever seen!

Did you know, when my Daddy was born, the population of this planet was around four billion people but by the time I was born it was seven billion and will be eight billion by the end of the decade? Ten billion by twenty-fifty? Why, in just this state alone, there’s about four million more people today than there were when I was born, and I ain’t even that old! That’s a heck of a lot of people and our planet only got so much to go around! You know how much space it takes to raise a herd of cattle? What about a hundred herds? What about enough cattle and pigs and chickens to feed ten billion people? There’ll be no room for the people to live because every inch of the planet will be farms! And don’t say we can all go vegetarian neither! Growing enough crops to feed that many people means no space for nothing else! No parks, no sports, no tracks or swimming pools! What kind of life is that with everyone crammed in like a can of sardines and every scrap of land used to grow or raise food just to keep us all alive?

Right back all the way to our Neanderthal cousins, what have people done when times got tough? When the food ran out, they started to eat the girls! We’re basically natures back-up plan! Even in our own country’s history, when the settlers of Jamestown faced starvation, they ate a fourteen year old girl. Thanks to her, more of the settlers were able to survive the winter! Of course, by the time they are her, she was starving too! Can’t have been all that much good meat on her! So what I’m saying is this. Why wait until things get so bad that we as a species have no other choice? If we start eating girls now, make it a normal part of every-day life, then not only will there be plenty of meat for everyone but it will keep the population in check too meaning other resources aren’t spread so thin and everyone’s life gets better!

Now of course, I ain’t saying go grab any passing girl off the street for your dinner. But I know one girl right here who is not only ready and willing but keen to be food and you only have to look at the response to my website to see that I’m far from the only one! Heck, go outside right now and ask those girls out there if they’d be happy to end up on the menu? Betcha dollars to donuts they say yes!

So come on, people, let’s not wait until things get real bad and all the girls are already skin and bones! Let’s change the way we think about our food now. Less farming means more space and it’s better for the environment. Also, there’s a lot of folks out there who feel bad eating pigs and cows and chickens and goats and turkeys who have no choice. How much better would it be to enjoy volunteer meat? Super tasty, guilt-free and good for the planet! What you think of it like that, adding girls to our diet not only seems okay, it seems the only right and sensible thing to do!

I am confident I’m not the only girl out there who feels this way, but I might just be the only one with the right backing, thanks to my Daddy and to Martha and her team, to say it out loud and to keep saying it until everyone pays attention! One way or another, the human race is going to start eating girls again so let’s not wait until a crisis! Let’s start now and make the future bright and delicious! The sooner we get the law changed, the sooner you all get to try a piece of this! [At this point Sidney turned around and wiggled her rump at the assembled journalists – Ed] So what are you waiting for?

Any questions? Yes, with the neat hat!

REPORTER: How old are you, Sidney?

Don’t you know never to ask a lady that? Nah, I don’t mind! I’m eight years old, going on nine.

REPORTER: So you have your whole life ahead of you! Why do you want to cut it short for benefits you won’t even get to enjoy?

Oh bless your heart! Why is it, I wonder, that everyone things a good life has to be long to be good or have meaning? Some folks live a hundred years and do nothing worth remembering and leave the world just the same or it a little bit worse than they found it. If it only takes ten years to do something amazing, why do you need longer? Sure, I may not live to be a grandma but plenty of other folks will. The human race ain’t going away any time soon! But when my life ends, it will change the world and people will be talking about me and what I did until the end of time!

How about you with the cool glasses?

REPORTER: By saying you want to change the culture around cannibalism, you’re not only asking for your own life to be ended but encouraging other girls to volunteer for the same. Don’t you feel guilty about asking other young girls like yourself to let themselves be killed?

Those are some kinda ugly words! But I get what you’re asking. Remember, I’m not saying anyone should get eaten if they don’t want to. I’m not suggesting any kind of lottery system or that folks should be able to choose any girl they want for their dinner, I’m all about giving the choice back to the girls. If we want to get eaten, shouldn’t that be our right? Our choice? If not one single other girl had followed me, I’d still be up here right now asking for my right to be eaten, but just a couple of minutes online will show you that’s not the case and there are thousands of other girls out there looking to me to give them a voice!

Yes, my fellow blonde down the front here?

REPORTER: Thanks! Love the boots by the way. Getting eaten is not exactly something someone just wakes up in the morning craving. How did the idea occur to you in the first place? What put the thought in your head?

That’s a very good question! And thanks, yours are swell too! Well I first got the idea back...ooh, months ago, back in January I think. You know, that time of winter when Christmas is over and there’s nothing to look forward to until the weather gets better? I found a joke book in my Daddy’s library full of jokes and cartoons about people, mostly women, getting cooked and eaten and they made me laugh but I started wondering why it’s treated as such an unusual thing, a silly or shocking idea. I guess the thoughts just grew from there and here we are!

[Editor’s note – Sidney’s journal resumes from this point.]

(To be continued...)