By the time Lydia’s profile had been completed and they were back in the kitchen, Marcia was nothing but roasting meat so Mollie gave her another basting and turned off the radio then left Lydia to shower off and, somewhat reluctantly, get dressed and went to the office to check emails. There really was nothing more to do until the oven-piggy was done and ready to be cooled, other than the occasional basting checks that Lydia was more than capable of handling on her own. Since she was being transported alive, there was no point in spitting Jessica until everything else was sorted and they were otherwise ready to leave. She was sure that Cole was more than capable of keeping her occupied until then but, if not, it would be easy enough to find some busy-work for her.

Switching on her computer, Mollie checked the time. Just gone quarter to nine. Any time now, the rest of the team on duty that day would start arriving ready to officially open at nine. There were usually not a lot of actual catering jobs during the week, just volunteer appraisal sessions. Mollie opened her emails and saw the usual mix of volunteer applications, including some from among the Guides who, as far as she knew, were still camping so must have sent the enquiries on their phones. She highlighted all of these and sent the standard response thanking them for their interest and attaching the formal application form.

Next she looked through the completed forms that had been sent in and sent out invitations, allocating them both to herself and various other co-workers who had slots free in their diaries then looked through the other messages, deleting the spam, catalogues and generic “send to all” messages from their suppliers. Luckily no part of her job involved invoicing or paying bills, there was a separate department for that! Aside from three booking confirmations which she added into the diary, the rest of the emails were requests for quotes or enquiries about how to book. One in particular caught her eye. It was written in the amusingly formal style older people tend to use for emails, as if they were writing a letter. As she read, she found herself charmed both by the style and the content.

“To whom it may concern,

My husband and I will have been married for fifty years next week and the whole family are getting together for a celebration. I apologise for the short notice but my granddaughters who are both seven years, cousins, came to us today and told us they would love to cook for us. Now, they are lovely girls and I am sure they will be delicious and we are incredibly touched by their offer but the issue we have is that they are both very small and thin and would certainly not be enough to feed everyone who is coming.

The last thing we want to do is hurt their feelings which is why we are reaching out to you. We understand that you can offer on-site cooking but also bring other people with you to cook? What we are thinking, in order to make the girls’ dream come true but also ensure that everyone is fed, in keeping with the theme they are suggesting, is for you to provide a stew pot that they can boil in, one that looks like a cartoon cannibal’s pot if you have it, and some additional meat to spit-roast. We will be looking to feed around eighty people in total. Please let us know if this is something you would be able to assist with. The party is not this coming Saturday or the one after but the following.

Warmest wishes,


Mrs Margaret O’Sullivan”

After quickly checking the date on her calendar, Mollie grinned, believing she had the exact solution for this sweet-sounding family party. It would be one week to the day before her own cooking! The stew pot was not an issue, in fact it was a relatively common request. Opening up Carl’s profile which had been created the previous morning, she sent him an email enquiring about his availability for the day. A second piggy would be needed, of course, but she knew exactly who to ask about that!

Next she sent a reply to Mrs O’Sullivan, thanking her for the enquiry and providing a quote for what she had requested along with optional extras like having the staff in themed costumes and a more rustic aesthetic for the spits and roasting pit. She also asked about the venue since that would influence what kinds of permits she would need to arrange and who she may need to liaise with. Following normal protocol, she did not send any meat profiles until she had confirmed availability but, as soon as the email was sent, locked her screen then went to the kitchen to break the good news to Lydia!

“She’s coming along nicely!” Lydia smiled, fully clothed again in anticipation of others starting to arrive soon, closing the oven door and turning to see Mollie standing behind her. “Another hour I’d say!”

“Awesome!” Mollie grinned. “Still smiling around that apple I hope?”

“She sure is!” Lydia confirmed. “Any interesting emails?”

“You could say that!” Mollie smiled a little slyly. “How are you fixed for three Saturdays time?”

“Well you’re getting roasted in four weeks, right?” Mollie nodded in confirmation. “And I’m helping you with Megan this Saturday. Next week I’m supposed to be off but the week after, yup, I think I’m supposed to be in and there’s nothing in my work diary yet?”

“Great!” Mollie clapped her hands together. “How do you fancy being the main course at a big family party? Half of it anyway.” She added. “It’s a golden wedding anniversary and they’ve got eighty people coming so we’ve been asked to provide two spit-piggies to go with a pot of granddaughter stew! I’ve asked Carl from yesterday if he might be up for it!”

“Oh wow!” Lydia’s eyes went wide. “You don’t mess around do you?” Mollie giggled. “Well, yeah! Of course!” The blonde teen grinned broadly. “Sounds awesome! I’m in!”

“Perfect!” Mollie hugged her. “So glad I get to see you roast before it’s my turn! You’re gonna look so damn hot on that spit!”

“Probably gonna feel pretty hot too over the coals!” Lydia giggled.

“True!” Mollie agreed with a chuckle. “Let me go see if Carl’s responded yet? Although he’ll be on Summer break too,” she mused, remembering her own teens, “so he might not even be up yet!” Back in the office, she unlocked her computer and was mildly surprised to already see a reply from Mrs O’Sullivan.

“Dear Mollie,

Thank you so much for your email. The girls will be thrilled! There names are Tara and Poppy by the way and I have attached a photo of them for you taken this weekend. Don’t they look yummy? They will be very happy about the pot and I love the idea of your team dressing up too! I’m sure the men won’t mind if they ladies are topless and I’m sure you have a couple of handsome young men on your team? Us girls need our eye-candy do, eh?

The party will be at the Newthaven Village Hall which has a nice big green attached and a large car park so perhaps the cooking can be done at one end of that? I will pop the contact details for the caretaker at the bottom. It would be lovely if all the equipment could have that authentic cannibal village look, make things extra special for the girls!

Please let me know as soon as you have suitable candidates for the rest of the menu and please don’t hesitate to contact me if you need any more information.


Yours gratefully,


Mrs Margaret O’Sullivan”

Below the text was a picture of two little girls sat on a garden bench, their arms around each other’s shoulders and posing for the camera with cheesy, gap-toothed grins. One had blonde hair in a bob and the other a long dark pony-tail with was resting over her shoulder, training down her chest. Although they were both wearing shorts and T-shirts it was easy to see that both girls, while cute as buttons, were very much on the slim side and would hardly be enough to feed eight people, let along eighty! It was no secret that the cooking and eating of other humans was often as much about the entertainment as the food itself, dinner and a show, and there was no doubt these two cheeky-looking piglets would be great at the show part, even if they needed assistance to pad out the actual dinner!

While she was writing a reply, inviting her to bring the girls in for a pre-cooking interview, although an actual grading would not be required, a reply came in from Carl confirming his availability and expressing a willingness to be cooked by any method the client wanted. Mollie sent him a quick thank you confirmation then loaded up his and Lydia’s profiles to attach to her email to Mrs O’Sullivan.

Other co-workers began to arrive, hanging up their jackets and bags and sitting down at their desks to check their own inboxes. Mollie greeted everyone with her normal cheeriness and hoped that Cole had remembered to lock the door of the inspection room that he and Jessica were still busy “cleaning”! Other volunteers would be arriving soon and she didn’t want them to think the company was in any way unprofessional!

Smiling quietly to herself, she booked out the black iron stew pot, complete with handles as if straight out of a Bugs Bunny cartoon, for the day of the party and began to browse the rest of the inventory for cooking devices and other props that might fit the theme. Carl had definitely confirmed that he was up for anything so she was finding herself leaning towards the idea of serving him as a live buffet but what about Lydia? There were traditional spits, of course, with the supports disguised as thick bamboo, but was that a bit too obvious? Too predictable? As she browsed, her eye settled on a piece of apparatus that caught her attention. It was constructed from wood-effect carbon and was essentially a kind of frame which was constructed around the piggy to have an effect similar to spitting but without anything actually going through the body, which would mean the person roasting could potentially live even longer over the coals. There was a collar around the neck and something similar to hold the feet and a cross-bar between the elbows much like the metal ones the company used for their unisex spits. It was hard to see exactly how it worked but she was sure she and Lydia could take a look later and work it out between them.

Various other people drifted in and out as the business of the day began and Mollie got a response from Mrs O’Sullivan confirming that she was more than happy with the meat selection and leaving the exact cooking methods up to her discretion, as long as her two lovely granddaughters got to enjoy the stew pot!


To be continued...